Advice: Dealing with Parents while Planning a Wedding

A newly engaged friend recently wrote me an email asking about juggling her and her fiance's wants for their wedding with her parents wants.

Here's her email:
I just got off the phone with my dad.  My parents looked at two venues in my hometown that [finance] and I are excited about, and he sounded very negative about them.  I'm getting nervous that my parents have something very different in mind for our wedding than [fiance] and I do.   I asked them last week to describe to me what they had in mind and they said they just want what I want.  I'm starting to think that isn't going to be the case.  They have been visiting very fancy places and loving them, and we really want a down-home backyard BBQ kind of feel - NOT a stuffy country club feel.

What do I do?  Just say "thanks for all the good information," or ask them to not waste their time since I know that isn't what we have in mind?
 
Of course, the 16-year-old girl in me wants to say "Okay, you're clearly not listening and creating frustration for yourself and me. so we will just do it in [the state we live in] and pick a venue out ourselves".  But I know that's now how I want to be during this process.

This was my response, modified for this post:
Girl, as long as there are weddings, there will be families bugging each other!  No matter what the size, scope, budget/who's paying, etc.  This is life.  Of course, it's so nice that your parents are enthusiastic about your wedding and want to be involved and help you look at venues.  But you know that.  You're just getting frustrated, and I understand why.

It's not "your" day, really
Supposedly, your wedding day is "your" (your plural - you and your fiancee) day.  But I didn't really realize until 2 weeks before my wedding that my wedding wasn't really about me and my husband; it was about me, my husband, and our parents, but especially my parents.  This is a day we've all thought about for years, in our own ways and variations.  (I don't think my dad had a secret "Joanna's Wedding" binder under the bed (but cute if he did!), but I'm sure he thought about walking me down the aisle, and hoped I wouldn't wind up marrying a jerk.)

Another thing I didn't realize was all my mom's weird stresses that bugged me (like needing to know three weeks in advance what color nail polish I was going to wear) was so she could feel like she was doing everything she could to help me have the perfect day.  Which is so sweet.  I just thought she was being annoying, but really, she was going to call the nail place and make sure they had it in stock.  Again, so sweet.

It's a hard situation to advise on, because every couple is different, every bride is different, every bride's parents are different, every bride's relationship with her parents is different.  Luckily, for a lot of my wedding planning, my mom and I were on the same page (or, in hindsight, maybe she was just very sweet about it and agreeing with what I wanted).

Think about what you'll remember in a year
For some perspective, when I think back to my wedding, here's what I most remember and cherish:
- our ceremony, which felt so personal and "us" because we lovingly crafted it
- our first dance, which was so fun and bizarre because we giggled about it the week before
- not wanting to have to go in from cocktail hour because we were already loving our wedding and it was nice out
- dancing with all our friends and family (even when I had no idea where my husband was for most of it)

None of those "top memories" had to do with the venue, the food, the decor, the flowers, my dress, etc.  I generally liked our venue, but I also didn't really feel I had a lot of choices because a number of other factors that were important to me limited my options (proximity to where I grew up, hotels and airport).  There was also a lot I didn't like about our venue.  (In fact, it was kind of totally weird.)

Spoiler alert: Parents are hard.  Fact.
Also, don't forget that parents are the best at being able to tell you what's wrong with your ideas.  That's kind of what they do.  (One day we'll be parents and will be awesome at this too.)  You are welcome to ignore it.  But remember they never mean to be jerks about it.  They're just trying to steer you in the direction they think is best.  It's okay if they're a little off base with what you want.  It's only natural -- you haven't lived with them since you were 18.  It's been a while.

Planning a wedding is an intimate thing to do with your parents.  You only do it once, and it's great if you can all be excited about it.  In hindsight, I would have compromised on more things for my parents.  For example, I wish I'd let my mom co-walk me down the aisle with my dad like she wanted; I wished I'd dealt with being uncomfortable and done a short official father-daughter dance.  But in spite of that, I think (hope?) that my parents felt loved during the wedding planning process and during the wedding.

It's normal that your parents might be acting out at this time because they're officially "losing" you; it's weird and antiquated, since you've been an independent woman for a while now, but I think it still can feel that way.

Concluding thoughts, and a sample dialogue
So, in short (are you still reading?  wow!), I'd suggest you try to hear them out and see if you can get comfortable with taking some of their ideas.  And see if they can get comfortable taking yours.

If it feels really important to you to do certain things your way, you can try a dialogue like this:
"Mom and Dad, this is such an exciting time for me, and I hope you're excited too.  I want this to be a really fun thing for us all to plan together, but I know it's going to have some rough patches.  In fact, this decision about _____ is probably one of those rough patches.  It would be so easy and pleasant if we all wanted the same things, but in this instance, I really want _____ [my idea], and can't get comfortable with ______ [your idea].  I wish I could want what you want, but it just doesn't feel authentic, and I want this day to feel authentic for me and [fiance].  I hope as we continue planning, we can find a lot of other things we're both excited about.  What are your thoughts?"

Does that sound so cheesy?  If so, know this: I seriously had almost that exact same dialogue with my parents.  Fun game: Can you guess what it was about?


If you've planned a wedding, how did the process go with your parents?  In hindsight, would you do anything differently?