3 Tips to Get Better at Awkward Small Talk

You guys: this is a major Christmas party weekend coming up. And you know what that means: small talk. Ugh.

At a social gathering, I'd always rather just have a long conversation in the corner with a good friend than meet someone new (or someone I don't know well at all) and have to go through all the awkward motions.  Let's face it: it's hard to be friendly at sociable at a party with people you don't really know.  But on the other hand, if it works, it's so fun to make a few friend and feel like you've connected with somebody.

It's important to get comfortable with small talk for 3 reasons:
1. It's polite and nice.
2. You can't make new friends without putting yourself out there through conversation, and it usually needs to start small.
3. We're adults and need to figure this out. Seriously, guys.

:: January Jones being charming at a party, via pinterest ::

I've made an effort to try to improve at the art of small talk over the last year, and I'd like to share some tips with you:

1. Find a small talk role model
Who in your life always seems to handle social situations with warmth and grace and seems friendly and easy to talk to? Stalk that person! Or at least observe him/her when you're in a social situation together. What does he/she do? Body language? Tone? Conversation starters?

My personal role model always seems genuinely to happy to see people... and who can resist when someone is delighted that you're there? It automatically fosters a sense of warmth and familiarity, even if the basis isn't there. Starting with friendliness is a small talk lubricant.

2. Change your mind-set. 
It's not awkward to make small talk, it's a universal kindness. (Remember, the person you hardly know in this conversation probably isn't super-excited to figure out how to talk to you, either.) You are doing a huge social favor by putting yourself out there and helping to move the conversation along.

3. Come prepared.  
It sounds calculated, but come ready with some easy questions you ask. I'll give you a really easy one for this weekend:
What are you doing for the holidays?

Boom. It's so easy. Yes, it's obvious, but it opens things up really easily! You'll find out where people are from, what their families are like, what their holiday traditions are, etc.

I like to avoid asking any question I wouldn't enjoy answering. Those include "So, what have you been up to lately?" and "What do you do for a living?"


So there: you have all my wisdom. How do you handle weird small talk? What are your tips?

Advice: Dealing with Parents while Planning a Wedding

A newly engaged friend recently wrote me an email asking about juggling her and her fiance's wants for their wedding with her parents wants.

Here's her email:
I just got off the phone with my dad.  My parents looked at two venues in my hometown that [finance] and I are excited about, and he sounded very negative about them.  I'm getting nervous that my parents have something very different in mind for our wedding than [fiance] and I do.   I asked them last week to describe to me what they had in mind and they said they just want what I want.  I'm starting to think that isn't going to be the case.  They have been visiting very fancy places and loving them, and we really want a down-home backyard BBQ kind of feel - NOT a stuffy country club feel.

What do I do?  Just say "thanks for all the good information," or ask them to not waste their time since I know that isn't what we have in mind?
 
Of course, the 16-year-old girl in me wants to say "Okay, you're clearly not listening and creating frustration for yourself and me. so we will just do it in [the state we live in] and pick a venue out ourselves".  But I know that's now how I want to be during this process.

This was my response, modified for this post:
Girl, as long as there are weddings, there will be families bugging each other!  No matter what the size, scope, budget/who's paying, etc.  This is life.  Of course, it's so nice that your parents are enthusiastic about your wedding and want to be involved and help you look at venues.  But you know that.  You're just getting frustrated, and I understand why.

It's not "your" day, really
Supposedly, your wedding day is "your" (your plural - you and your fiancee) day.  But I didn't really realize until 2 weeks before my wedding that my wedding wasn't really about me and my husband; it was about me, my husband, and our parents, but especially my parents.  This is a day we've all thought about for years, in our own ways and variations.  (I don't think my dad had a secret "Joanna's Wedding" binder under the bed (but cute if he did!), but I'm sure he thought about walking me down the aisle, and hoped I wouldn't wind up marrying a jerk.)

Another thing I didn't realize was all my mom's weird stresses that bugged me (like needing to know three weeks in advance what color nail polish I was going to wear) was so she could feel like she was doing everything she could to help me have the perfect day.  Which is so sweet.  I just thought she was being annoying, but really, she was going to call the nail place and make sure they had it in stock.  Again, so sweet.

It's a hard situation to advise on, because every couple is different, every bride is different, every bride's parents are different, every bride's relationship with her parents is different.  Luckily, for a lot of my wedding planning, my mom and I were on the same page (or, in hindsight, maybe she was just very sweet about it and agreeing with what I wanted).

Think about what you'll remember in a year
For some perspective, when I think back to my wedding, here's what I most remember and cherish:
- our ceremony, which felt so personal and "us" because we lovingly crafted it
- our first dance, which was so fun and bizarre because we giggled about it the week before
- not wanting to have to go in from cocktail hour because we were already loving our wedding and it was nice out
- dancing with all our friends and family (even when I had no idea where my husband was for most of it)

None of those "top memories" had to do with the venue, the food, the decor, the flowers, my dress, etc.  I generally liked our venue, but I also didn't really feel I had a lot of choices because a number of other factors that were important to me limited my options (proximity to where I grew up, hotels and airport).  There was also a lot I didn't like about our venue.  (In fact, it was kind of totally weird.)

Spoiler alert: Parents are hard.  Fact.
Also, don't forget that parents are the best at being able to tell you what's wrong with your ideas.  That's kind of what they do.  (One day we'll be parents and will be awesome at this too.)  You are welcome to ignore it.  But remember they never mean to be jerks about it.  They're just trying to steer you in the direction they think is best.  It's okay if they're a little off base with what you want.  It's only natural -- you haven't lived with them since you were 18.  It's been a while.

Planning a wedding is an intimate thing to do with your parents.  You only do it once, and it's great if you can all be excited about it.  In hindsight, I would have compromised on more things for my parents.  For example, I wish I'd let my mom co-walk me down the aisle with my dad like she wanted; I wished I'd dealt with being uncomfortable and done a short official father-daughter dance.  But in spite of that, I think (hope?) that my parents felt loved during the wedding planning process and during the wedding.

It's normal that your parents might be acting out at this time because they're officially "losing" you; it's weird and antiquated, since you've been an independent woman for a while now, but I think it still can feel that way.

Concluding thoughts, and a sample dialogue
So, in short (are you still reading?  wow!), I'd suggest you try to hear them out and see if you can get comfortable with taking some of their ideas.  And see if they can get comfortable taking yours.

If it feels really important to you to do certain things your way, you can try a dialogue like this:
"Mom and Dad, this is such an exciting time for me, and I hope you're excited too.  I want this to be a really fun thing for us all to plan together, but I know it's going to have some rough patches.  In fact, this decision about _____ is probably one of those rough patches.  It would be so easy and pleasant if we all wanted the same things, but in this instance, I really want _____ [my idea], and can't get comfortable with ______ [your idea].  I wish I could want what you want, but it just doesn't feel authentic, and I want this day to feel authentic for me and [fiance].  I hope as we continue planning, we can find a lot of other things we're both excited about.  What are your thoughts?"

Does that sound so cheesy?  If so, know this: I seriously had almost that exact same dialogue with my parents.  Fun game: Can you guess what it was about?


If you've planned a wedding, how did the process go with your parents?  In hindsight, would you do anything differently?

 

My Favorite LA Breakfast Spot: Wendy’s Place Cafe

If someone told me it was okay for me to eat eggs 10 times a week (and that person would cut the toppings and wash the pan for me), I would.  Easily.  Basically there are three great foods in the world.  They are: lasagna, Thai food, and breakfast.  If you are one of those people who doesn’t like breakfast, I don’t get you.  Seriously, what is your deal?

While I am strangely okay with standing in line at Huckleberry, even on a Saturday at 9:30am, and I enjoy the poshness of brunch at Joe’s, to me, the single best breakfast in the greater Los Angeles area is found at Wendy’s in El Segundo.  I realize most of you won’t make the trek out there just for breakfast, but think about mixing it into your schedule next time you are going to LAX in the morning (mere minutes away!).

Wendy’s isn’t “old fashioned” or “classic”… it’s just… old.  Like it was erected mid-century, and literally nothing changed about it, except for the waitresses who are youthful and adorable.  Check out these dishes. 

Eating action shot!

And these Rockwell prints, like, from Rockwellian times.  (The wall décor is all Rockwell prints or Rockwell puzzles, laminated and framed.  Awesome.)

Wood panelling!

If you’re looking for a unique breakfast menu, don’t come to Wendy’s.  There are, like, four omelet choices, which I think are just some variation of eggs with cheese and/or bacon and/or vegetables.  (But seriously? What else do you want in an omelet?)  Then there’s the option of pancakes or French toast or just eggs, cooked to order.  Nothing fancy, but it’s all done right, and in an environment you simply can’t find in Los Angeles (or at least no where that I’ve found).

 So excited to eat... I have a meerkat face!

So check it out.  Order the Spanish Omelet or Jose’s Favorite, with hash browns (with peppers and onions) and an English muffin.  You will love it.  Cash only.

Wendy’s Place Café

107 W. Grand Ave.

El Segundo, CA 90245

But enough about Wendy's... What are your favorite LA breakfast spots?

Advice: Gifts for the Newly Engaged

My friend Lisa wrote me to ask a two part question: (a) would it be weird to give a newly engaged friend a wedding-related gift for her birthday and (b) if not, what inexpensive gift would I suggest?

My answers were (a) not weird at all; it's way fun to be a bride, and (b) I have just the thing!

My all time favorite engagement gift is a ring dish.  I keep mine by my nightstand, but I wouldn't mind having another one to keep by the bathroom sink (hint, hint!).

I treated myself to this one, from Anthropologie, which makes me smile when I look at it.  (The ring goes in the goldfish's mouth -- how cute is that?!)

Also from Anthropologie, and very darling (even though I think raccoons are the worst animal in the world [ed: I was going to link to some freaky raccoon images and stories about raccoon attacks, but I decided not to.  You're welcome.]):

A lovely modern option from West Elm:

All great choices, all under $20!

Bye!

How to: Deftly handle a group dinner

Ah.  Group dinners.  Nothing defines young adulthood to moderately young adulthood like the group dinner.  As my friend Piper wisely says, “Group dinner; no winner.”

Having been through my share, both as a facilitator and a guest, I have some thoughts on how you can can indeed be a winner as an excellent coordinator and/or attendee of a group dinner.

 

Paying Tips

Follow the herd so you don’t feel ripped off.

Of course you’re paying for the birthday girl (or boy, but look, usually it’s a girl).  Generally, everyone is on the same page in a group birthday dinner, which is, the bill is being split evenly.  That said, roll with how the group is ordering.  Meaning drink about the same amount as everybody else and order about the same amount.

But if you’re on a budget, you don’t need to subsidize everyone’s dinner.

I have respect for those of you who on a budget and making an effort to stick to it.  Going out is expensive, and if you are trying to save, it’s annoying to have to spend $50 you don’t really have to say happy birthday to a friend.  Here’s how to get out of that: tell the coordinator privately (in advance, or as you’re sitting down) that you’re watching your budget, so you’re just going to order a glass of wine and a appetizer (or whatever), and that you’d like to just throw in for your part, plus the part for the birthday girl.  Even though it’s sort of weird to announce this in advance, it’s way less weird than being awkward about the bill when it comes.  That way, when the bill gets passed around, you can hand over your $25 to the coordinator with a little knowing wink and be able to afford lunch for the rest of the week.  Ta da!

When the dinner is all couples, split the bill per couple.

Yes, even if you’re a couple that splits things among the two of you when you’re out.  Just roll with it during the check-paying time, and then work out your part outside of the restaurant. It’s weird if we see you guys divvying up your money in front of us.

Hosting/Coordinating Tips

Be a partial actual host (if you can afford it) and win Classy Points.

If you are the birthday girl (or the significant other of the birthday honoree), a classy move is to pick up a nice chunk of the tab.  The easiest thing is to pay for the alcohol.  You can tell the server in advance, and this is usually easy for the restaurant to split out of the check.  This works best at a place where there isn’t a full bar (to avoid winding up with a crazy tab).  Have a game plan of what you want to order.  For example, at a Japanese place, you could order a bunch of sake.  Or go to a place with low or no corkage and bring your own wine.  If your friends are all on a budget, it’s nice to announce that this is what’s happening, so they feel comfortable imbibing.  If it’s not a big deal, it’s a nice “SURPRISE!  It only costs $25/each!” thing to do.  (They’ll be pleasantly surprised, trust me.)

Let guests know what to expect.

As the host/hostess, if you can, it’s great to estimate how much you think dinner will cost for people so your guests know what they’re getting in to.  (This only works for restaurants where entrees are similarly priced or a group ordering kind of situation.)  It also only works if it’s a pretty close group of friends where it doesn’t seem really gauche to call this out in the email. But people really appreciate if you send an email that says something like:

-       Here’s where we’re going (include Yelp link)

-       They have really good ___________

-       Dinner will probably be about $40/person – please bring cash!

Designate a Chief Orderer

If you’re dining at a small plates/family style place, pick one person familiar with the menu who can own the ordering for the table and make sure people have enough food.  This avoids the “Um, I don’t know, do you guys like fried eggplant?  Guys, does everybody like this? Okay… um… okay, well…” conversation.  (Of course this person can/should solicit opinions and take requests, but the Chief Orderer keeps tabs on how many dishes should be ordered and makes sure there’s an appropriate variety and, like, some rice at the table instead of just three variations of pork belly.)  This person should be mindful of the budgets of the guests and not order tons of crazy expensive stuff if that’s not the direction the dinner is headed in.

Guest Tips:

The best guests come ready to pay.

As a guest, come armed with cash.  Preferably also small bills.  If you can pay your $35 share of the tab with a $20 bill and three $5 bills, you will be a group dinner hero.  Tip: If I know I’m going to a group dinner, I will make my small purchases (like coffee) the day or two before with bigger bills to make sure I’m ready to roll with all my small change.

If you’re skilled at dividing up bills, take charge.

If adding a tip and dividing by eight comes easily to you, please spare the table the brain-chaos and grab the bill and tell us what we owe.  We appreciate your skill set and recognize that it’s a thankless job.  If you’re taken on this task, be prepared to make sure that we actually left enough and be ready to dole back some dollars if we’ve all overpaid.

Be pleasant.

Be nice to the person you’re sitting next to, even if it’s not your favorite person in the group. Try to act interested and make conversation.  And if you can’t handle that, be aggressive about picking your seat once a few others have sat down so you know who your dinner neighbors will be.

Enjoy your next group meal!  And don't get stuck paying $80 for a Pacifico and a one-taco combo next time.

Bye!