Ah. Group dinners. Nothing defines young adulthood to moderately young adulthood like the group dinner. As my friend Piper wisely says, “Group dinner; no winner.”
Having been through my share, both as a facilitator and a guest, I have some thoughts on how you can can indeed be a winner as an excellent coordinator and/or attendee of a group dinner.
Paying Tips
Follow the herd so you don’t feel ripped off.
Of course you’re paying for the birthday girl (or boy, but look, usually it’s a girl). Generally, everyone is on the same page in a group birthday dinner, which is, the bill is being split evenly. That said, roll with how the group is ordering. Meaning drink about the same amount as everybody else and order about the same amount.
But if you’re on a budget, you don’t need to subsidize everyone’s dinner.
I have respect for those of you who on a budget and making an effort to stick to it. Going out is expensive, and if you are trying to save, it’s annoying to have to spend $50 you don’t really have to say happy birthday to a friend. Here’s how to get out of that: tell the coordinator privately (in advance, or as you’re sitting down) that you’re watching your budget, so you’re just going to order a glass of wine and a appetizer (or whatever), and that you’d like to just throw in for your part, plus the part for the birthday girl. Even though it’s sort of weird to announce this in advance, it’s way less weird than being awkward about the bill when it comes. That way, when the bill gets passed around, you can hand over your $25 to the coordinator with a little knowing wink and be able to afford lunch for the rest of the week. Ta da!
When the dinner is all couples, split the bill per couple.
Yes, even if you’re a couple that splits things among the two of you when you’re out. Just roll with it during the check-paying time, and then work out your part outside of the restaurant. It’s weird if we see you guys divvying up your money in front of us.
Hosting/Coordinating Tips
Be a partial actual host (if you can afford it) and win Classy Points.
If you are the birthday girl (or the significant other of the birthday honoree), a classy move is to pick up a nice chunk of the tab. The easiest thing is to pay for the alcohol. You can tell the server in advance, and this is usually easy for the restaurant to split out of the check. This works best at a place where there isn’t a full bar (to avoid winding up with a crazy tab). Have a game plan of what you want to order. For example, at a Japanese place, you could order a bunch of sake. Or go to a place with low or no corkage and bring your own wine. If your friends are all on a budget, it’s nice to announce that this is what’s happening, so they feel comfortable imbibing. If it’s not a big deal, it’s a nice “SURPRISE! It only costs $25/each!” thing to do. (They’ll be pleasantly surprised, trust me.)
Let guests know what to expect.
As the host/hostess, if you can, it’s great to estimate how much you think dinner will cost for people so your guests know what they’re getting in to. (This only works for restaurants where entrees are similarly priced or a group ordering kind of situation.) It also only works if it’s a pretty close group of friends where it doesn’t seem really gauche to call this out in the email. But people really appreciate if you send an email that says something like:
- Here’s where we’re going (include Yelp link)
- They have really good ___________
- Dinner will probably be about $40/person – please bring cash!
Designate a Chief Orderer
If you’re dining at a small plates/family style place, pick one person familiar with the menu who can own the ordering for the table and make sure people have enough food. This avoids the “Um, I don’t know, do you guys like fried eggplant? Guys, does everybody like this? Okay… um… okay, well…” conversation. (Of course this person can/should solicit opinions and take requests, but the Chief Orderer keeps tabs on how many dishes should be ordered and makes sure there’s an appropriate variety and, like, some rice at the table instead of just three variations of pork belly.) This person should be mindful of the budgets of the guests and not order tons of crazy expensive stuff if that’s not the direction the dinner is headed in.
Guest Tips:
The best guests come ready to pay.
As a guest, come armed with cash. Preferably also small bills. If you can pay your $35 share of the tab with a $20 bill and three $5 bills, you will be a group dinner hero. Tip: If I know I’m going to a group dinner, I will make my small purchases (like coffee) the day or two before with bigger bills to make sure I’m ready to roll with all my small change.
If you’re skilled at dividing up bills, take charge.
If adding a tip and dividing by eight comes easily to you, please spare the table the brain-chaos and grab the bill and tell us what we owe. We appreciate your skill set and recognize that it’s a thankless job. If you’re taken on this task, be prepared to make sure that we actually left enough and be ready to dole back some dollars if we’ve all overpaid.
Be pleasant.
Be nice to the person you’re sitting next to, even if it’s not your favorite person in the group. Try to act interested and make conversation. And if you can’t handle that, be aggressive about picking your seat once a few others have sat down so you know who your dinner neighbors will be.
Enjoy your next group meal! And don't get stuck paying $80 for a Pacifico and a one-taco combo next time.
Bye!
